Connectivity, Part 3

Originally, when I wrote my first post on Connectivity, I had no plans to make it a series. Yet, the one post has generated quite a bit of conversation. Part 3 is a result of a conversation with my dad and a sermon from this past Sunday at Pin Oaks Christian Fellowship.

My dad read the first post and suggested that to connect one need only listen to the other person. And it is true that people love to have other people listen to them. Andrew Carnegie states in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People "remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants than they are in you and your problems" (page 123). This is the 4th of Carnegie's 6 principles "to make people like you." Listening is very important, but after my dad and I talked it just seemed like there was one more element to connecting.

This past Sunday, Phil Morgan preached from Philemon 1:8-16. Verse 12 reads, "I am sending him [Onesimus]--who is my very heart--back to you." Phil explained that Paul understood on an incredibly deep level what Onesimus was going through, and he was going through the heart-ache with him. Phil explained that truely being connected to someone is knowing their heart, going through their troubles with them, and being there for them even when they don't know you are there (praying for them that is).

A light bulb came on for me, and suddenly, I understood that being connected is far deeper than what I had first thought. Being connected is being there for one another when things get really tough, and we have other things to do.

Phil explained that those with whom we share this deeper than the superficial connection are our support system. They are the ones we lean on, call upon, and depend on when the going gets tough. They are the ones we pray for and who prays for us.

As I write this, I realize that my first definition of co-workers was incorrect. My co-workers are not those with whom I share a job. My co-workers are in this job called life. They are the ones who know "my very heart" and I know theirs. I know what makes them tick and what keeps them going. I know what drives them crazy and what brings them to their knees. I know what makes them happy and brings joy to their day.

My epiphany is that I am deeply connected to some incredible women. These women know me better than I know myself. One friend told me that my son and I are a perfect match when she learned of Snugglebug's diagnosis. I wondered what she knew that I didn't. Now I know that she knew my heart in that moment better than even me. She is connected to me in more than a superficial gather-at-the-water-cooler-discuss-the-weekend-way.

In conclusion, Connectivity begins by listening but continues by getting to know the other person on a heart level. This does not happen overnight, and it is not one-sided. To open one's heart requires you to trust the other person. But, as Phil said on Sunday, "if you never take the risk, you'll never know the reward." We crave deeper relationships with people, but to have a relationship we must commit to being there for one another.

Note: I hope to obtain a copy of Phil Morgan's sermon and link it to this post. As I am not sure how to do that, it may take some time, so bear with me.

Connectivity, Part 2

I am incredibly touched by the comments left on my first Connectivity post. They reminded me of a news story years ago in which someone did a study of some kind and determined that with all our technology we are more disconnected than ever before. Here we have email, text messages, and cell phones yet we are not connected on any level to one another. How is it that we can have so many brief contacts with a person and yet still not be connected?

One must wonder if it is the lack of common denominators that keeps us from connecting with those around us, i.e. different religions, different jobs, children, no children. You get the idea. It is certainly harder to connect with someone if their religion is different or if they have children and you don't. It is hard to know what to say and what not to say. It is hard to build that foundation for friendship if you first don't fit into the same category.

Which leads me to the next question. At what point in our lives do we have enough common denominators that we feel like we fit in a category and thus feel connected to those around us? Is it when we are children? Some would argue that they didn't feel connected to their own families. Is it college? Is it church? Is it children?

I would argue that none of those create a common denominator to build the connectedness we so greatly desire.

So what do we need to feel connected? I have pondered this question for days. With each comment to my first post, I have wondered what it is that connects us. I have come to the realization that the connectedness I seek is partly with myself. Is it true that others need to connect with themselves in order to connect with each other? I can't say yes or no.

I have also come to the conclusion that I need to connect more with God. Perhaps, part of my trying times is to expand my Faith in God and to reconnect with Him.

What connects us? Obviously, it is not technology and I am not sure it is a common denominator of children or religion. I am going to continue pondering this question and may revisit it at a later date. It really has provoked a great deal of pondering on my part.

Connectivity

I was posed a thought provoking questions this week. The question was "what is your least favorite thing about being a mom?" I wasn't sure how to answer this question. I certainly did not want to answer by saying, "everything." But, at the same time I didn't want to put my laundry list of dislikes: getting up at all hours of the night, never getting eight hours of sleep, snot, a messy house, and oh, did I mention snot. Instead, I rambled on about how hard it was to balance...blah, blah, blah.

But after thinking on the question for several days, I realize there is one thing that strikes me as the most difficult part of motherhood. Disconnection.

Prior to being a full-time stay-at-home-mom, I had a job with a co-workers, a paycheck, weekends off, and specified holidays. All those things are great! I especially liked the specified holidays where I only had to worry about getting to and from grandma's. Now, getting anywhere on a holiday is about like trekking through the woods with a basket full of goodies. It is very difficult to make with everything intact. (Oh, the paycheck was nice, too.)

But, I digress, co-workers are such a vital part of life. You have a relationship of some sort with these people you see on a daily basis. You go home, live you own life, and come back the next day. You stand at the water cooler and share about the happenings, or perhaps a hit TV show that everyone is watching, or a bewildering news story. Even the people you don't necessarily like are connected in some way. Perhaps you can't discuss work issues without a confrontation but you both love Grey's Anatomy. You are connected.

Being a stay-at-home-mom is a very disconnected job. I have no co-workers, no one to share those interesting tidbits or to discuss my favorite show. And even though I have great girl-friends who are reading this blog, and even though we share the same type of job, there is still a bit of disconnect. The permanent tethering of this child to you prevents you from doing all the things that create such great camaraderie as you have in co-workers.

Twice in the last month, I had to cancel a play date with a friend who has a daughter Snugglebug's age due to illness (ours). I joined a mom's group and would have had a meeting with them today but it was cancelled due to weather, but I would have missed it anyway since I was taking Snugglebug to the doctor for bad chest cold. So, despite my efforts I am disconnected.

I am taking steps to change the disconnect. I have joined a mom's group and am trying harder to get together with my dear friends who are also moms. But, the transition from seeing co-workers on a daily basis to being home all day with one who speaks in mono-syllables is a difficult transition that no one warns you about. There is no water cooler at this new job. Thus no water cooler discussion.

I am also discovering there is a strange disconnect within myself. The person who once held a job and had co-workers must now redefine herself not as a co-worker but as a mom. How does one do that? I have realized after reading Scott Hamilton's Great Eight that I must perform a new routine. In my quest to live and think positively, I must first redefine the life I wish to live.

Interesting, isn't it, how one quest leads to another? I am still pursuing my quest to live positively, but now am on a quest to rediscover myself, my life, and my "co-workers" in this business of motherhood.

I'm not real sure what I will find on this quest. I doubt that it will be dragons, but it will still be an adventure.